James Bond

A lot of people like the James Bond movies. Even more people like the James Bond movies in theory. I’m the biggest Bond fan in the world when I sit down to watch a classic Bond film, but by about a half hour in I’m bored and confused and cranky. There are far fewer car chases than the hype would lead you to believe. The villains are cool, but their plans to take over the world (and the ways in which Bond thwarts them) don’t make much sense. And while I’m sure most men enjoy watching James Bond make out with weird looking women in impractical costumes, I don’t.  But James Bond prevails, and, while the character is famous, all the men who have played him are not.

Sean Connery: Famous

Sean Connery is still famous, even though he hasn’t been in a new movie since 2003. This is due in part to the fact that Connery, who is in his 80s, has looked exactly the same since 1974.  He was James Bond-Sean Connery from 1957’s Hell Drivers until The Terrorists in early ‘74. By The Wind and the Lion in late ‘74, he was the Old Guy-Sean Connery we know and love. Connery also has a funny voice, and a funny voice helps you stay famous longer. Raise your hand if you have ever said “Suck It, Trebek” in a terrible Scottish accent . That’s what I thought.

George Lazenby: Not Famous

When George Lazenby was famous, he was famous for being the idiot who decided to quit being James Bond after one film because he thought that (get this) no one would want to watch spy movies in the 1970s.  Quitting the most successful film franchise in history made him the Pete Best of Bond (Best was kicked out of the pre-famous Beatles for being a shitty drummer). A more accurate Beatles analogy, however, would be “The Mike Smith of the Bond Franchise”; Smith said that guitar music was on its way out when….oh just google “Mike Smith + The Beatles”. Don’t worry; there is a wiki page. The really sad thing about George Lazenby is that the only Bond movie he did was in is On Her Majesty’s Secret Service which, despite a great soundtrack, Diana Rigg (of The Great Muppet Caper fame), and some bad-ass ski scenes, is cursed with the most boring introductory half hour of any film in history.

Roger Moore: Not Famous 

Roger Moore never lived down being James Bond. After many attempts to break free from being “The Guy Who Replaced Sean Connery”, he has given up and resigned himself to doing voice-over work in children’s movies with pun-y titles: The Fly Who Loved Me, Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Gnomes and Troll: The Forrest Trials. I would mention that he was in Spice World, but I don’t want to make this a blog about the Spice Girls.

Timothy Dalton: Not Famous 

Dalton was only in two Bond films.  I haven’t seen either of them. He was, however, in “The End of Time”, the final episode of the last David Tennent season of Dr. Who.  I did see that. It was awful, but Dalton acted the hell out of that terrible, terrible script. I will give him that.

Pierce Brosnan: Kinda Famous

Brosnan is still kinda famous mostly because he is the most recent Not Bond.  He was also in the 2008 film adaptation of the ABBA musical Mamma Mia, a crime against humanity made all the more painful by the fact that Brosnan (or any of the other leads, for that matter) cannot sing. Or so I’ve heard. I didn’t see Mamma Mia; I didn’t see Chess either, because I don’t believe in ABBA musicals.

Daniel Craig: Famous

I think Daniel Craig is really good at being James Bond, but that isn’t what this is about. I also think it is really smart that, while he is still James Bond, he is doing lots of other movies too. But at the end of the day, what Daniel Craig really has is piercing blue eyes and the ability to really wear a suit. Ladies love that, and if you can make ladies see action movies, you are a famous commodity, my friend. 

Oprah

Oprah Winfrey: Famous

There is a possibility that Oprah is the most famous person in the world. She is certainly the richest woman in the world (which still only makes her the 562^nd richest person in the world). To prove how famous Oprah is, I (a person who has never, ever seen her show, read her magazine, or particularly paid attention to the whole Oprah craze) will list some of the things I know about Oprah. Oprah’s boyfriend is named Stedman; her best friend is Gail. She was supposed to be named after Orpah, a women mentioned in the Book of Ruth, but the hospital spelled the name wrong and Oprah’s mom liked Oprah better. Spell check doesn’t recognize “Orpah”, but it does recognize Oprah. Oprah had a baby when she was 14. To make up for giving that kid up for adoption, she opened a school in Africa for girls. Someone found a dead body at that school a few weeks ago. Oprah now has her own television channel, where I assume they play reruns of her show and other Lifetime-style affirmation programming. Oprah has lots of little dogs she raises as if they were her children. Let me reiterate: I don’t really know much about Oprah. This lady is famous.

Star Wars

Almost everyone has a fan base somewhere. Whether it’s the 10 people that follow you on Twitter, or 10,000 people in matching costumes at a convention, it doesn’t take much to have a cult following. But even the most devoted cult following in the most obsessive of genres doesn’t mean real fame. So, yes, everybody in the whole world has seen Star Wars, but that doesn’t make every actor in the movie famous. Deal with it, geeks.

Harrison Ford: Famous

Harrison Ford was smart enough to turn his role as Han Solo in Star Wars into years of playing Han Solo in films that are not Star Wars. Han Solo tells hijackers to get the hell off his plane. Han Solo is wrongly accused of killing his wife. Han Solo is a bad boy archeologist who fights Nazis. Han Solo hides in Amish country from PCP dealers who are trying to kill him. But my personal favorite is when Han Solo takes it down a notch and falls in love with the butler’s beautiful daughter. What, was I the only person who watched the 1995 remake of Sabrina obsessively as a child?

James Earl Jones: Famous

James Earl Jones has possibly the most distinctive voice in the history of film. Not only was he the voice of Darth Vadar, the most recognizable character from Star Wars, he was in Roots and Dr. Strangelove. For God’s sake, the man was Mufasa. Enough said.

Carrie Fisher: Kinda Famous

A candid autobiographical one woman show, a semi-autobiographical film starring Meryl Streep, that inescapable metal bikini, and a willingness to say “Help me, (Scene Partner), you’re my only hope” on any and every primetime television show have kept Carrie Fisher in the limelight. Well, the lemon light at least. Although, I do feel bad for her - as she gets older she looks less and less like Debbie Reynolds and more and more like Eddie Fisher.

Warwick Davis: Kinda Famous

Thank God for Harry Potter: Davis’ turn as Professor Flitwick is what saves him. Sure, he was Willow, and he is probably the only little person actor most people can name, but the Harry Potter franchise is a force to be reckoned with.

Alec Guinness: Kinda Famous, Dead

Between Star Wars, Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Zhivago, and Bridge on the River Kwai, Sir Alec Guinness is still kinda famous. People know him for Star Wars, people know him for his movies that were actually good, and I’m sure a lot of people think he was in Gandhi and the Lord of the Rings movies, too.

Mark Hamill: Not Famous

If Mark Hamill still looked like Luke Skywalker, he would probably earn a Kinda Famous. However, as it stands, weird, old, and beardy Mark Hamill is not famous.

Billie Dee Williams: Not Famous

Billie Dee Williams is not famous, but the above Colt 45 ad is. “It Works Every Time”.

The Spice Girls

 If you were a fifth grade girl in the late 1990s, the Spice Girls were the greatest British import since the Beatles. Unless you were one of those sad, deprived children who was never forced to listen to the Beatles. Then the Spice Girls were the Beatles.  Formed by a management team looking for a way to cash in on the 90s boy band phenomenon, the Spice Girls were packaged with nicknames and fashion trends: Sporty, Posh, Baby, Ginger, and Scary. Every girl in the world could choose their favorite and buy the matching Barbie Doll.  But, like all fads, the Spice Girls couldn’t last.  And like all manufactured pop groups, only one of them could escape the land of has-beens and “Wannabee”s.

Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice): Famous

Victoria Beckham isn’t famous for being a Spice Girl. She isn’t famous for anything. She is one of those lucky few who is just famous for being famous. Sure, she designs handbags, and is married to David Beckham (the only soccer player any American can name), but she mostly just has her picture taken in airports wearing giant sunglasses. And that, my friends, is fame.

Melanie Brown (Scary Spice): Not Famous

Mel B has the distinction of being the most famous of the not-famous Spice Girls due to the fact that she has Eddie Murphy’s illegitimate child. She also had the worst Spice name. I guarantee no little girls wanted to be Scary Spice.  

Emma Bunton (Baby Spice): Not Famous

According to the Internet, Emma Bunton has done all of the things washed-up pop stars do to try to become famous again. She hosted an obscure British game show and a Saturday afternoon radio program. She released a solo album with a cover of “What I Am” by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. Yes, she tried to ride the coat tails of Edie Brickell’s fame. Edie Brickell: Not Famous.

Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice): Not Famous

It is relatively easy to age gracefully, but it is much more difficult to gracefully fall out of fame. Gerri Halliwell gives it the old college try by behaving as if she is simply retired from being famous. She writes children’s books about a character loosely based on herself; she does a lot of charity work for the UN; and she invoked the celebrity right-to-name-your-child-something-absurd. Bluebell Madonna (and yes, she is named after that Madonna.) But the sad truth is: Gerri, no one cares.

Melanie Chisholm (Sporty Spice): Not Famous

Mel C is so not famous, I had to use the Spice Girls Wiki page to figure out who the fifth Spice Girl was. For reference, I still own both Spice Girls albums on cd and a VHS copy of Spice World.